What's wrong with me?

[pasithea]

I feel unpopular and unaccomplished.

Posting this feels like I'm whining at people to pay attention to me so I can be a magical special snowflake.

I _do_ want to be a magical special snowflake. I'd be lying if I said otherwise.. But more than that, I want to understand what it is in me that keeps me from making many friends and drives away the few that I do manage to get.

Most often, when I'm alone, I'm happy. I could work on art and write to myself and build things almost endlessly but when I hit moments where I'm between projects or I can't work on my own things (like at work) I start to fade. I want to talk with people, share ideas, learn new things. I want to be stimulated by something external to myself. Books, tv, and all that are nice but they're one-way communication devices. I can't easily ask them questions or tell them about something they made me think of.

Wish I knew how to have and keep friends. All the stuff they teach you as a child about how to be a 'good person' does not seem to make one likable. Or maybe it's just me. :/

Comments

[ladyperegrine.livejournal.com]

We haven't met in person (unless it was at a con in passing), but I just wanted to say that I do enjoy reading your journal. I think you're a very interesting and articulate person.

[dv-girl.livejournal.com]

Probably not. I do spend a lot of time alone. Thank you. I wish I had a more meaningful response but I'm feeling rather hollow right now and not sure what to do about it. :/

It's not just you...

[equusmaximus.livejournal.com]

I think you're pretty likable... Weird, yes, a bit crazy perhaps, but likable. :) I've known you virtually for over 16 years now, and had the great pleasure of meeting you and Stacey face-to-face back in 2001. I certainly hope that we'll get to do that again sometime!

Lots of people work very well alone, and many need a good amount of private "me time" to just unwind, and do the things that interest them. Few people however, can live a total "hermit" lifestyle, so that's when the desire for friends and companions comes about. The trick is finding people that share similar interests and ideals; not necessarily the same but similar enough that you can understand and appreciate each other.

The welcome mat is always out, should you ever decide to take a trip up North. :)

Re: It's not just you...

[dv-girl.livejournal.com]

But I'm allergic to the cold. It makes me break out in parkas.

[paka.livejournal.com]

I think you're the greatest, you know that right? And I was pretty sure there were a ton of other people who felt the same way. You certainly do a good job of being a social hub, I've seen this in action. I just always assumed you were one of those people who liked having a few very close friends. So this is kind of a surprise, post wise.

I honestly don't think being liked isn't a great indication of being likable. I think it's like being a popular artist on DA - where half the time it's about some weird timing thing. I do think there's an element which is basically putting in face time, one needs to show up around social settings and get people used to the idea that you're there, before they actually grow to like you... and that's not quite as easy if one is just really happy cranking stuff on one's own, or socially avoidant thanks to abuse issues. I'm terrible at that, maybe you have some similar stuff.

[dv-girl.livejournal.com]

I have a lot of connections but not a lot of close friends. I dunno. I just often feel lonely. Especially online.

[d3n.livejournal.com]

I know exactly how you feel. At least people read your journal.

[dv-girl.livejournal.com]

Heh. And now I feel worse because my headspace in this post was "Maybe 3 or 4 people read my journal." and I was envious of people I know who have 30 or 50 people that might respond to them. Now I feel superficial, that I am greedy, ignoring the number of friends I do have in favor of the desire for more, More, MORE!

[prickvixen.livejournal.com]

I don't suppose you're lonely because you now live in the middle of the woods, far from your previous social circles.

[dv-girl.livejournal.com]

Its possibly part of it but I was really feeling lonely online. Sometimes at work and such I just want to talk with someone for a while but I don't really have any contacts on IM or MU*s or anything. Part of it is also that I disconnected from one of my social groups last fall and that group had been a pretty active part of my life.

I dunno. Mostly I feel like I'm not a good friend to the friends I do have and that as a person I am often pretty annoying so who'd want to be my friend anyhow, you know?

[prickvixen.livejournal.com]

I thought you had tons of people on your IM... it seemed like it whenever I use your computer.

Yeah, I kind of got the idea you were talking about some specific person when lamenting that you can't keep friends...

[aylira-tesayon.livejournal.com]

Hey, I may be living up in Sacramento these days, but I certainly hope I can say we're friends, I think you're quite thoroughly awesome, and a hell of a lot of fun to be around, so...there :-P

I know how you feel though, I've been through that spot more than once myself