The Bottom Line

[pasithea]

Reading straight through the bible gives one a new perspective on many a troubling passage.

Leviticus, for instance, the oft-cherry-picked book of the christian right... No matter which passage they chose, they're always ignoring the most important bit. The bottom line:

Lev 27:34 These are the commandments, which the LORD commanded Moses for
the children of Israel in mount Sinai.

This is more clear reading the entire book in one go but there it is. These laws aren't for everyone. They're only for people who have pledged their allegiance to this God. It doesn't apply to 'pagans' You have to have sworn yourself to Yeehaw in order for these rules to matter to you at all. Some things you're supposed to be killed for (with that same wording as the apple in eden again) but this is a book of gratuitous changes. Those little extra rules about divorce for instance. Nice touch, Jimmah! I'd be willing to bet that in the original texts they're worded exactly the same as every other passage around them. 'It's an abomination and you'll be unclean for some period of time.'

Other interesting things I picked up. 'Abomination'... It means 'risk'. Eat uncooked meat that's been sitting around for 3 days. It's an abomination. Same with pork and shelfish. If you eat it, you're running a risk and you may end up temporarily or permanently unclean because of it.

All the stuff about dealing with plague was really interesting and unlike most of the rest of the book, wasn't terribly repetative. It's little wonder the jews faired better in the plagues of the dark ages than the christians did (and were subsequently blamed for starting them)

For the funniest line in old levity, I nominate:
13:40 And the man whose hair is fallen off his head, he is bald; yet is he clean.

Although I'll probably never be able to look at a fundamentalist again and not be tempted to shout, "WE'RE GONNA NEED MORE GOATS!"

God apparently REALLY likes setting goats on fire. That sick little monkey!

I'll pick up with Numbers tomorrow.

So far, this has been pretty darned entertaining!

Comments

[openpalm.livejournal.com]

I think you have the makings of a great humor column in your observations here... if you could find the right venue...

[kyhwana.livejournal.com]

We need to sic the SPCA onto his ass!

[doodlesthegreat.livejournal.com]

The whole thing about Leviticus is: It is totally countermanded by the Acts of the Apostles. (With the exception of some dietary requirement of some kind.) Christians claiming to follow Leviticus are like strict Constitutionalists demanding to follow The Articles of Confederation.

Any time I see one of these modern-day Pharisees waving Leviticus about, I say "Funny, you don't LOOK Jewish..."

[paka.livejournal.com]

Faced with Christian fundies quoting Leviticus, here's what you do;

1. Ask them if they've been around dead bodies, menstruating women, etc, lately.
   
2. If the answer is yes, find the nearest ashtray. (If no, then suggest to them that they're pretty disconnected from reality.)
   
3. Mix ashtray contents with water. Drench fundies.
   
4. Claim that you got the stuff from a blemishless red heifer.

Show me pictures of people having sex with goats on fire. (Specify type of goat.)

[xydexx.livejournal.com]

At the NYC Pride Parade years ago, someone had a sign which read "Don't quote Leviticus unless you've made a burnt offering of a goat lately."

[shatterstripes.livejournal.com]

This part of the Bible always reminds me of one of the riffs in Snow Crash - early religions as social programs, as lessons in basic hygene. Do not do this or you will be sick; do not do this or you will die.

[yetanotherbob.livejournal.com]

Ding ding ding ding! Yes! My view of religions is that they're the ancestor to science, ethics, philosophy, that which was unknown. True, the hypotheses are rough and inconsistent, but there's traces of it.

Why is there lightening? Zeus must be angry. And sticking your metal sword straight up angers him. So he zaps you. QED.

When one considers that the bible was the world's largest and oldest game of Telephone, this makes even more sense. These were not handed down, they evolved! Especially when you consider the documentary hypothesis which points to the abrupt changes in word choice and voice to indicate multiple authors over time.

Leviticus is not a morals book. It is a guidebook for what Israel needed at the time: A large, healthy population with which to be a nation.

Potential baby lost in a miscarriage done by violence? Well, it's a shame, but if she can still have kids, it's not that big a deal. Pay the fine and don't do it again! Woman having her period? Danger, danger! She can't have kids during this time, so don't bother inseminating her! Your brother is a husband and died without children? Well, get in there, sport, and marry the widow! You'll have to do in preserving the bloodline, because we don't have sperm banks yet!

Homosexual? Note that the mannerisms and lesbianism isn't what's frowned upon. Not at all! It's just that bum loving doesn't produce babies. And yes, I know that's not how it's read, and it's horribly apologist for me to overlook so much and claim it's just people following an outdated owner's manual, but still. Makes sense in a twisted logic sort of way...

[shizouka.livejournal.com]

This is something I've pretty much found rang true on pretty much everything in the book there.

Yes.

[xydexx.livejournal.com]

Leviticus is pretty much certain rules for certain people at a certain time.

[prickvixen.livejournal.com]

Yes, the laws are only for the chosen people. But if you're not one of the chosen people, you're subject to be murdered and your land and property confiscated because you're not one of the chosen people.

[glych.livejournal.com]

I came across this journal through my friend Kynn's LJ.

You're my hero.

I've read a few versions of the Bible. The King James Version is very different than a lot of the others I've read especially the "Blue Bible" (which has the original Hebrew, Greek, and Latin on one side and the direct English translation on the other). I remember some passages like akin to "God is not in a building and shall not be worshiped there" and "do not trust the words of an interpreter for they could be the words of the devil." I don't remember the exact phrasing or the notations as to where these quotes are, but I can't help but think to myself...Wouldn't god NOT being in a building kind of go against a whole organized church? And wouldn't trusting the words of, say, a pastor, priest, nun, or reverend the same as trusting the words of an interpreter which might be the words of the devil?

If you can find the quotes in your reading please post them. You'll know them when you read them.

Keep up the good work of thinking for yourself!

*shakes pom poms*

-glych

[moonscream.livejournal.com]

If you REALLY want to know what the original words were, since Hebrew tends to use the same word for multiple concepts, all of which depend on the words surrounding them, get a concordance.

--Zhora

[captpackrat.livejournal.com]

Better than a concordance, get an interlinear Hebrew/English Bible. It has the original Hebrew with the English translation for each word underneath. No interpretation, no parsing into English sentence structure, just a straight word-for-word translation.

They take a bit of getting used to, since Hebrew is read right-to-left and Hebrew sentence structure can be quite funky at times, but it's way more accurate than any Bible "version".

[captpackrat.livejournal.com]

God apparently REALLY likes setting goats on fire.

ROTFL! Quote Of The Day.