*pant* *pant* *pant*

I've hit the 3/4ths mark and finished the Old Testament. (If ever there were a cause to shout hallalujeh, this would be it!)

Most of the books could be condensed to a paragraph. God seems to be finding it harder to wank off to simply slaughtering a goat or killing a few thousand people, so each book now has to expound on the entire history of everyone he's ever killed to provide Him more material for his beat-off fantasies.

These stories are all pretty generic, blithering on about how some city is going to be destroyed and whinging about how some day he's going to get the band back together and either smite them or smite everyone else or smite them AND everyone else.

Pretty dull.

A pound of flesh

Tonight I hope to get through the New Testament and get this stupid reading project done with but for the moment, a brief interlude.

Read The Tragical History of Dr. Faustus during lunch. A german play, written in 1604 by Christopher Marlowe.

Short but a rather fun read especially if one desires to feel smart and quippy with the latin.


It's interesting what Faustus sells himself away for. Me, I'd never chose to be owned by any diety, God or Devil, I'd spit in both their faces. However, if I believed in an afterlife and were given my choice of what work to do, I'd rather be a conscience that helps someone think through the things the do so that they are a benefit to themselves and harmless or beneficial to others. When I started this post, I was inclined to say I'd enjoy punishing the self-righteous and whisking off their souls, but really, I wouldn't. The rotten things people do to one another mostly just makes me sad and punishing them for it after the fact accomplishes nothing. The people they hurt are still hurt.

And therein lies the major flaw with christianity. I'm not enticed by the idea of eternal torment, but neither am I warm to the idea of 'total happiness and knowledge'. I enjoy sometimes feeling bad. I enjoy learning things I don't know. I like thinking for myself, and if my only options are, get on my knees and give blowjobs to God's ego for all eternity and be rewarded with a warm spurt in the face, or stand in defiance of a tyrant and suffer the consequences, I'll take the suffering.

But seriously, this afterlife stuff is as fun to dream aobut as time travel but it's highly improbable. I think I'll not worry about it and just keep living as I do now. Reading, learning, thinking, exploring. I'm quite happy here.

Uh...

I thought this Jesus guy was supposed to be nicer than the old testatment?

5:27 Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt
not commit adultery:

5:28 But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh
on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already
in his heart.

5:29 And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from
thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should
perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.

I'm surprised a lot more christian men haven't stabbed themselves blind. I mean, if they were truly faithful and all.


Also... As we find out later, Jesus is bad at taking his own advice.

5:25 Agree with thine adversary quickly, whiles thou art in the way
with him; lest at any time the adversary deliver thee to the judge,
and the judge deliver thee to the officer, and thou be cast into
prison.

(no subject)

Next time I do Clinic Defense, remind me to print these up on a card and hand them out to the anit-choice whackos.

6:5 And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are:
for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of
the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, They
have their reward.

6:6 But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou
hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy
Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly.

6:7 But when ye pray, use not vain repetitions, as the heathen do: for
they think that they shall be heard for their much speaking.



Maybe I should have a pile for gay events too.

Pointless post

First recorded use of an emoticon:

6:32 (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:)
for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these
things.

My favourite comic.

Years ago, I saw a comic that had a bunch of preachers, reverends, ministers, etc in Hell and a devil shouting at them, "JUDGE NOT LEST YE BE NOT JUDGED!" then snickering to another devil and saying, "I just LOVE quoting the bible to them."

Since then, I've had a number of xtians tell me that quote is out of context.

So here's the context.

7:1 Judge not, that ye be not judged.

7:2 For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what
measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.

7:3 And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but
considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?


Funny. Still seems to read the same darned way.

Really? Tell us more.

7:15 Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep's clothing,
but inwardly they are ravening wolves.

So... What are you trying to tell us about yourself?


7:16 Ye shall know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes of
thorns, or figs of thistles?

7:17 Even so every good tree bringeth
forth good fruit; but a corrupt tree bringeth forth evil fruit.

7:18 A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit, neither can a corrupt
tree bring forth good fruit.

7:19 Every tree that bringeth not forth good fruit is hewn down, and
cast into the fire.

Uh... So if we're holding that Adam and Eve committed some horrible sin then they're the trunk of a corrupt tree and everyone is going to Hell and everyone is bad because their parents are bad? That's some serious fucked-uppedness, dimestore psychologist.

Oh. By the by... I <3 blackberries and prickly pears. Put that in your crackhooka and smoke it.

Mmmm. Quotable

Okay. I need to stop commenting or I'll never get done but I have to say this.


HEY PAT ROBERTSON, FRED PHELPS! LOOK! OVER HERE!

7:22 Many will say to me in that day, Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in thy name? and in thy name have cast out devils? and in thy name done many wonderful works?

7:23 And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity.

Creepy

Didn't Jim Jones use this line?

10:37 He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of
me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of
me.

So far, Jesus seems to be an even bigger dick than daddy.

What an arrogant little shit.

Wow. Jesus is far more dickish than I'd been told.

13:10 And the disciples came, and said unto him, Why speakest thou
unto them in parables?

13:11 He answered and said unto them, Because
it is given unto you to know the mysteries of the kingdom of heaven,
but to them it is not given.

13:12 For whosoever hath, to him shall be given, and he shall have
more abundance: but whosoever hath not, from him shall be taken away
even that he hath.

13:13 Therefore speak I to them in parables: because they seeing see
not; and hearing they hear not, neither do they understand.

I'm starting to think that emoticon was no mere coincidence. JESUS IS STILL ALIVE AND POSTING ON USENET NEWS.

I mean seriously. Didn't he just say, "I have to use strawman arguements because everyone that doesn't agree with me is too stupid to understand the truth."

Mmm. Bready

13:33 Another parable spake he unto them; The kingdom of heaven is
like unto leaven, which a woman took, and hid in three measures of
meal, till the whole was leavened.

This supports my sourdough Jesus theory. (The reason it took him three days to rise after being beaten down)

He is rather bread-obsessed. Guess it runs in the family, though with dad, it was goats.

Odd though, the only other bread-obsessed entity I know of is Talkie Toaster and it was quite plainly stated that he did NOT have a belief-chip installed.

ZOMBIES!

AAAAAH! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! THE NEW TESTAMENT IS FULL OF ZOMBIES!!!!


14:1 At that time Herod the tetrarch heard of the fame of Jesus, 14:2
And said unto his servants, This is John the Baptist; he is risen from
the dead; and therefore mighty works do shew forth themselves in him.

It stated earlier that Herod died before Joseph brought Jesus to Nazareth, and here Herod is saying John is risen from the dead, and we know that Jesus swings that way, and he's already brought several people back from the dead and told the apostiles to go and do that too. Not to mention that whole scene in Revelations later on.

(no subject)

The New Testament! Now 30% less sanitary than the Old Testament!

15:20 These are the things which defile a man: but to eat with unwashen hands defileth not a man.

That somehow makes the scene of the last supper a lot less pretty.

Interesting.

I've heard anti-choice people spurt John 19:14 a lot as a tool to attack birth control and women's body rights. Let's look at it in context, shall we?

19:13 Then were there brought unto him little children, that he should
put his hands on them, and pray: and the disciples rebuked them.

19:14 But Jesus said, Suffer little children, and forbid them not, to
come unto me: for of such is the kingdom of heaven.



So the disciples were basically shouting at the kids, "HEY! Don't touch our Jesus!"

This line has nothing at all to do with birth control, though perhaps because of the previous lines, it's misleading to the people who deliberately want to misread it.

( Behind cut because slightly verbose )

Darth Nazareth

Jesus uses the dark side of the force.

21:18 Now in the morning as he returned into the city, he hungered.

21:19 And when he saw a fig tree in the way, he came to it, and found
nothing thereon, but leaves only, and said unto it, Let no fruit grow
on thee henceforward for ever. And presently the fig tree withered
away.

*HAU* *HAU* If thou shalt not feed me... *HAU* *HAU* Then DIE!!!! *lightning shoots from his fingertips*

Sue, I sighed...

You know... This part reminds me:

27:3 Then Judas, which had betrayed him, when he saw that he was
condemned, repented himself, and brought again the thirty pieces of
silver to the chief priests and elders,

27:4 Saying, I have sinned in
that I have betrayed the innocent blood. And they said, What is that
to us? see thou to that.

27:5 And he cast down the pieces of silver in the temple, and
departed, and went and hanged himself.

Contrary to what everyone says, I haven't seen a single spot in the bible saying that offing yourself is sinful. In fact a couple of kings and prophets have fallen on their own swords.

So where's that bit come from?

Umm... what of Job?

So, this was sorta skipped over in bible school. Do you know the last words of Jesus?

( Click and find out! )