Bible Study

I finished reading Genesis last night.

I have a new theory about the bible.

Basically... God is like Gonterman. He was a huge fan of these humans someone else made so he started fan-fic writing himself into stories with them.

The writing both in style and coherency is almost a perfect match.

You laugh, but look around. Type gonterman into google and the first hit you get is a shrine to Gonterman.

I'm almost convinced they're one in the same.

Bibliopolitical comment

A word of caution for right-wingers about their hostility towards hispanic immigrants.

1:8 Now there arose up a new king over Egypt, which knew not Joseph.

1:9 And he said unto his people, Behold, the people of the children of
Israel are more and mightier than we:

1:10 Come on, let us deal wisely
with them; lest they multiply, and it come to pass, that, when there
falleth out any war, they join also unto our enemies, and fight
against us, and so get them up out of the land.

1:11 Therefore they did set over them taskmasters to afflict them with
their burdens. And they built for Pharaoh treasure cities, Pithom and
Raamses.

1:12 But the more they afflicted them, the more they multiplied and
grew.

Same thing happens later in Rome with the slave revolts. Simple really, if you think about it. Due to load distribution, it takes more than one person to serve an individual so your servant class always ends up larger than your ruling class and then...

You don't have servants you say? Wal-Mart clerks, Taco Bell cooks, Pepsi bottlers, truck drivers, migrant field workers, road repair crews, sewer workers, garbage collectors, and so on. There are hundreds and hundreds of people working tedious, dull, and low-paying jobs so we can sit on our asses in front of the TV/Computer and stroke our own egos about how smart we are.

That Evil ... Pharaoh? ...

4:21 And the LORD said unto Moses, When thou goest to return into
Egypt, see that thou do all those wonders before Pharaoh, which I have
put in thine hand: but I will harden his heart, that he shall not let
the people go.

Um... So God gives Moe these parlour tricks to perform then says, "But I'm going to make Pharaoh hate your act. Why? Oh, because I've got an itch to do some smiting and this makes a good excuse."


And what's so bad about a plague of frogs exactly? Frogs are good eatin' and they eat bugs. Wouldn't that help your crops?

Also, we have a gazillion artifacts from that time period, and many tombs that were not discovered until modern times were already in place by then. Why isn't there evidence the water in the vessels turned to blood? Why isn't it in the geological record? Why doesn't anyone else remember it? And shouldn't we find some evidence of the corpses of all those dead stinky fish, frogs, lice, flies, and exploding cattle?

Come on guys. This doesn't pass the lightest examination.

A fine? That's fine.

So... How come anti-choice whackos never quote this line in Exodus?

21:22 If men strive, and hurt a woman with child, so that her fruit
depart from her, and yet no mischief follow: he shall be surely
punished, according as the woman's husband will lay upon him; and he
shall pay as the judges determine.

I mean that seems to say that an abortion is alright if the woman isn't married or her husband consents, and if it was someone who wanted to keep the pregnancy, then they can press charges and that person has to pay a fine.

I mean this looks like a pretty explicit and surprisingly coherent ruling on abortions.

Do they not mention it because it doesn't say what they want?

I mean it's right there just barely 10 lines after the '10 commandments', which seem to be an arbitrarily chosen set of rules from a larger set of rules.

Also worth noting that when someone kills their slave, servant, wife, etc, the wording is, "And if they do this, they shall surely die." For those keeping score, that's the exact same wording that's used when they're cast out of the Garden of Eden. Since Adam and Eve didn't die immediately, doesn't that imply...

And oh dear! What about THIS rule?

22:21 Thou shalt neither vex a stranger, nor oppress him: for ye were strangers in the land of Egypt.

I wonder what that means for the Fred Phelps' of the world.

It was important enough to be said twice.

23:9 Also thou shalt not oppress a stranger: for ye know the heart of a stranger, seeing ye were strangers in the land of Egypt.

Chapter 25...

Fear me, for I am a fashion conscious God and I want my bachelor pad JUST right or else.

Also, get me some of that Shittin' wood and make me a 'mercy seat'...

Uh... Did God just ask them for a gold-plated porta-john and a big purple curtain to put around it so he could dump in peace?



I suppose that's what he gets for eating all that unleavened bread and dry-cooked savory meatz.

You could stick Jim Theis' description of a sandal from The Eye of Argon into this part of the bible and no one would EVER notice.

What.. the.. fuck...

Um... God's lost it again. In chapter 29, he starts telling people to kill rams and wear them on your head and take their organs in your hands and wave them around in the air!

WOOOO! ORGANS!!!! LOOK AT THOSE KIDNEYS! WOOOO!!!! I AM GOD! I ROCK! WOW!!! THIS IS GETTING ME SO HORNY! I NEED TO GO SMITE SOMETHING!