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pasitheaI really need to figure out how to work out my stress. Money is still tight right now and that's really not helping anything but it's making me flakey.
A co-worker melted down and quit right in the middle of a meeting I was in with him and that means I'm taking on extra workload now. One of the other people in the meeting, I was supposed to meet with the following day but he got hit by a car. (He's alright but it messed up my schedule even more)
So... First I said I was going for hike yesterday, then I said I was going to Decom in Santa Cruz. Saturday morning, I ended up going on a hike after all but wasn't feeling social so just went with Stacey.
We ended up going up to Castle Rock because I thought Stacey would enjoy the terrain and it gave me an opportunity to look for mushrooms and gather nuts.
On the way to the park, only a few hundred meters from where I wrecked my motorcycle, there were a couple of bikes down. One rider laying on the ground. He was just coming around when we arrived.
We provided landmarks for the rider on the 911 call so he could tell the EMTs where to find them. Stacey moved our car back a ways and turned on the flashers so we were making a bit of a safety break.
The rider that was down was clearly in shock, barely coherent, and kept looping, asking what was going on and where he was. Loss of short term memory. ... I asked him his name, age, kind of bike he rode, day of the week, that sort of stuff. Day of the week was wrong. Then he didn't remember the conversation. So.... ....
Writing about this is really stressing me. That's why I'm writing about it. I'll finish the story and then get back to that.
He was wearing all the right gear. His suit was torn up but it'd done it's job. Without the helmet, he'd have been dead. Without the suit, he'd have been a bloody mess of road rash. We wanted him to stay down but he insisted on getting up and, getting his helmet off was probably helpful. It was hot and he had earplugs in. Physically he was more or less alright.
Stayed with him until the paramedics arrived and kept him talking. Tried to remember what it was like for me when I was broken. Asking longer term stuff and then more recent stuff, trying to guide his memory back from the past to the present. His speed and memory was improving slowly. Also, trying to sooth his pride. He'd been riding a long time and was a rather butch sort. So, I told him I'd wiped out on the same corner and about the number of other bike pieces I'd seen at that corner.
He was still answering with the wrong day of the week when the paramedics arrived... But, they took over and didn't need anything else for us so, we got out of their way and headed out.
Stacey was driving. I broke down and cried for a bit. Put it out of my head while we were hiking.. We had a lovely hike but... This has been what's dominated my weekend. My motorcycle wreck at the turn was nothing. I just put the bike in the ditch and broke the mirrors. We were up and running again in no time... Wasn't that.
It was his mental state.... I was there, when I was hit by the car when I was 19. I was through the looking glass, on the other side of that situation, being the person asking the questions that couldn't be remembered, having the face that couldn't be seen, asking the same questions, saying the same things. Broken.
I am still broken. Some days I have it beat. Lately I've been working more actively on trying to better repair the damage but it's so hard. It's a feeling that I can't explain to anyone, like moving through mud, like drowning slowly. It's so hard, and I never regained all of my memory. I lost a lot of stuff and I can't get it back. Whole pieces of my life, erased or scrambled so that I don't know what was real and what was not. It still hurts me and the accident still haunts me. Most of the time I've got it beat. Most of the time I'm not a wreck, but being there, being in that moment, being on the other side... I did what he needed. I stayed focused and helped as much as I could but it's like it opened a wound and now I keep remembering those broken moments, those fragments. I keep having these moments where I'm suddenly back there, with him, or back when it was me and it .. I don't know. I start crying. It comes and goes.
Luckily I have enough crap to deal with at work tomorrow that I'll probably forget again for a while. That's the best I can hope for.
And.. I don't know why it messes me up so much. Yeah, brain damage sucks but I survived and it's been something that has helped me in the long run. I learned that life is short and precious and there's nothing afterwards, not even a test pattern. I'm running on borrowed time. I have been for a long time. It gives you a little bit different perspective, I think. Less fear. I know the wreck must have been very painful but I don't remember it and that reminds me that pain is as fleeting as joy. I can take chances. I can do stuff I wouldn't have had the courage to do otherwise because no matter how bad things get, there's a chance of turning it around and making my experience something better. Worst thing that can happen is that I die and... Death is Nothing so it's not really worth worrying about.
A co-worker melted down and quit right in the middle of a meeting I was in with him and that means I'm taking on extra workload now. One of the other people in the meeting, I was supposed to meet with the following day but he got hit by a car. (He's alright but it messed up my schedule even more)
So... First I said I was going for hike yesterday, then I said I was going to Decom in Santa Cruz. Saturday morning, I ended up going on a hike after all but wasn't feeling social so just went with Stacey.
We ended up going up to Castle Rock because I thought Stacey would enjoy the terrain and it gave me an opportunity to look for mushrooms and gather nuts.
On the way to the park, only a few hundred meters from where I wrecked my motorcycle, there were a couple of bikes down. One rider laying on the ground. He was just coming around when we arrived.
We provided landmarks for the rider on the 911 call so he could tell the EMTs where to find them. Stacey moved our car back a ways and turned on the flashers so we were making a bit of a safety break.
The rider that was down was clearly in shock, barely coherent, and kept looping, asking what was going on and where he was. Loss of short term memory. ... I asked him his name, age, kind of bike he rode, day of the week, that sort of stuff. Day of the week was wrong. Then he didn't remember the conversation. So.... ....
Writing about this is really stressing me. That's why I'm writing about it. I'll finish the story and then get back to that.
He was wearing all the right gear. His suit was torn up but it'd done it's job. Without the helmet, he'd have been dead. Without the suit, he'd have been a bloody mess of road rash. We wanted him to stay down but he insisted on getting up and, getting his helmet off was probably helpful. It was hot and he had earplugs in. Physically he was more or less alright.
Stayed with him until the paramedics arrived and kept him talking. Tried to remember what it was like for me when I was broken. Asking longer term stuff and then more recent stuff, trying to guide his memory back from the past to the present. His speed and memory was improving slowly. Also, trying to sooth his pride. He'd been riding a long time and was a rather butch sort. So, I told him I'd wiped out on the same corner and about the number of other bike pieces I'd seen at that corner.
He was still answering with the wrong day of the week when the paramedics arrived... But, they took over and didn't need anything else for us so, we got out of their way and headed out.
Stacey was driving. I broke down and cried for a bit. Put it out of my head while we were hiking.. We had a lovely hike but... This has been what's dominated my weekend. My motorcycle wreck at the turn was nothing. I just put the bike in the ditch and broke the mirrors. We were up and running again in no time... Wasn't that.
It was his mental state.... I was there, when I was hit by the car when I was 19. I was through the looking glass, on the other side of that situation, being the person asking the questions that couldn't be remembered, having the face that couldn't be seen, asking the same questions, saying the same things. Broken.
I am still broken. Some days I have it beat. Lately I've been working more actively on trying to better repair the damage but it's so hard. It's a feeling that I can't explain to anyone, like moving through mud, like drowning slowly. It's so hard, and I never regained all of my memory. I lost a lot of stuff and I can't get it back. Whole pieces of my life, erased or scrambled so that I don't know what was real and what was not. It still hurts me and the accident still haunts me. Most of the time I've got it beat. Most of the time I'm not a wreck, but being there, being in that moment, being on the other side... I did what he needed. I stayed focused and helped as much as I could but it's like it opened a wound and now I keep remembering those broken moments, those fragments. I keep having these moments where I'm suddenly back there, with him, or back when it was me and it .. I don't know. I start crying. It comes and goes.
Luckily I have enough crap to deal with at work tomorrow that I'll probably forget again for a while. That's the best I can hope for.
And.. I don't know why it messes me up so much. Yeah, brain damage sucks but I survived and it's been something that has helped me in the long run. I learned that life is short and precious and there's nothing afterwards, not even a test pattern. I'm running on borrowed time. I have been for a long time. It gives you a little bit different perspective, I think. Less fear. I know the wreck must have been very painful but I don't remember it and that reminds me that pain is as fleeting as joy. I can take chances. I can do stuff I wouldn't have had the courage to do otherwise because no matter how bad things get, there's a chance of turning it around and making my experience something better. Worst thing that can happen is that I die and... Death is Nothing so it's not really worth worrying about.
