Seeking Death

[pasithea]

First thing: This isn't a suicide note or depression or anything of that nature, so don't panic.


I was always a fey child. There are two moments in my very early childhood that stuck in my memory and much much later, I learned that I was half adopted and that probably also leant to the feeling that I never really entirely belonged to this world.

I'm not sure who I'm actually seeking is Death but he seemed to be someone who knew quite a lot. My earliest childhood memory is of him. A dream that wasn't a dream. I was maybe three years old. A skeleton climbed in through my window on a moonlit spring night. I was afraid of him at first but he was reassuring and calm. We talked for a long time and he told me something very important. Some secret that I would need to know much later and some choice that I needed to make or made that night. I can't remember which. Salvia seems to put me in the right frame of mind and throw me backwards in time. It feels like it's possible that through her, with enough meditation and prep time, I might be able to slip back far enough to be there once again and find out what he said.

One thing I am sure of though... The second event lead me to believe he wasn't something I'd just dreamed. The skeleton had told me about a ring and when I went where he said and looked, I found the ring. It was buried in a barrel at my great grandmother's farm. It was a gold ring with a large red ruby set in it. The ring had belonged to my great grandfather. He had died the day I was born. The ring had been lost for twenty years and my great grandmother had just sold the farm and they were moving. My great grandmother, great aunt, and mother all made a big fuss about me finding it. Especially when I told them about 'the man' who'd helped me find it. I'd described the skeleton (I didn't even know the word skeleton at that age) but they thought I was describing my great grandfather.

For some reason, the ring ended up with my grandparents. Twelve years later, when they died, it was nearly lost again because it was 'stuck' in a safety deposit box. I was with my mother at the bank and she was cleaning out their effects. I looked inside the box and there it was, caught behind the hinge. My mother commented on the fact that it was now twice that I'd found the ring. It is also the only thing she's ever mentioned as being something that will explicitly be left to me (despite our differences).

Some part of me knows she still has it and that she would actually send it to me if I called for it. Some other part of me isn't ready to have it yet. I mean... What if it turns out it's just a ring and nothing more? What if it's more than a ring but I can't unlock it or it does something bad?

So... Here I am, seeking Death because something in me tells me the skeleton would entertain another visit if I can find him. I need to ask him about the ring and what he said to me all those years ago. For Chinese years, this is the year of the rat; my birth year. In the past, rat years have been strong ones for me. So... We'll see.

Comments

[ff00ff.livejournal.com]

I wonder if it has anything to do with having a twin brother as a constant companion that all of the entities from my childhood that I'd now describe as imaginary friends for want of a better term, were sinister and threatening.

No, I guess that isn't entirly true, there were some neutral ones, like the woman who lived in my hair and encouraged me to grab my penis whenever I was nervous.