Plant Review: Mother Fern

A couple months ago, I picked up some new plants for my studio. One of them was called a 'mother fern'. Pretty plant and fairly inexpensive. According to the care sheet, it was well suited to the light/heat/humidity/etc so I got it.

All I can say is that it seems to live up to its name.

Nothing I do makes it happy. It's listless and unhappy, constantly demands attention, and sits there, slowly dying and seems to blame me for all of its own failings.

Look 'mom'. I've tried different schedules of watering you. I've tried you in different places in the room, I've tried misting you, I've checked your soil PH and salinity, I've tried giving you some fertilizer. I've tried everything I can think of okay. If you wanna die, fucking die already so I can replace you with a decent plant. I've got like 30 other plants in here and they're all happy so seriously, the problem isn't me. It's you. Quit trying to make me feel bad and neglectful.

Hair hair hair

My hair's going to be at an annoying length just before Burning Man.

Should I chance getting it cut and hope it looks alright or should I just go crazy and give myself a mohawk, potentially sunburning the sides of my head while at Burn? Hmm. Decisions decisions.