Somewhat sad
Jun. 23rd, 2010 11:27 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
pasitheaMy 20-year highschool reunion is in a week or two. I can't afford to go but... Saw this article earlier:
http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/us/2010/06/21/ms.youth.ceara.school.picture.cnn?hpt=C2
And now I'm feeling rather weepy and sad about it.
I erased myself from highschool. I have my junior and senior high yearbooks. When I was a child, I was so upset by my pictures that in junior year, I used a pencil eraser and rubbed myself out of my yearbook, leaving nothing but an empty space on the page where I didn't exist.
In senior year, I was more clever and dodged the photo days. I am not in the yearbook at all. I might as well have never existed.
There was a time that I never wanted to go to a reunion because I had no desire to be around 'those people' and there was a time when I wanted to go just to be in their face and say "I exist. I am successful. Eat it, you proles!" but... I've let go of that kind of rage. I don't hate them, I don't hate my small and fragile self that I was then. I've stopped surviving and begun living and that puts me in a difference place. Quietly curious about the people of my past, a little sad that I so completely disconnected from everyone I knew. It might be nice to talk to people, find out what I've missed. I'm not interested in being a spectacle but... I do kinda wish I could go and see what people are like now and... I feel lonely.
I paint myself as a bit of a loner in highschool and to some extent, that's very true. I always felt very alone. However, at the same time, I had a number of friends. Perhaps not good friends, but I did interact with a lot of people and unlike a lot of people I know now, I dated several people in highschool. None of those lasted very long but.. They were people I knew and cared for (in some primitive and deeply superficial way) and I wonder what became of them.
Doesn't matter of course. I can't afford to go. Just... Feeling a bit blue. :/
http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/us/2010/06/21/ms.youth.ceara.school.picture.cnn?hpt=C2
And now I'm feeling rather weepy and sad about it.
I erased myself from highschool. I have my junior and senior high yearbooks. When I was a child, I was so upset by my pictures that in junior year, I used a pencil eraser and rubbed myself out of my yearbook, leaving nothing but an empty space on the page where I didn't exist.
In senior year, I was more clever and dodged the photo days. I am not in the yearbook at all. I might as well have never existed.
There was a time that I never wanted to go to a reunion because I had no desire to be around 'those people' and there was a time when I wanted to go just to be in their face and say "I exist. I am successful. Eat it, you proles!" but... I've let go of that kind of rage. I don't hate them, I don't hate my small and fragile self that I was then. I've stopped surviving and begun living and that puts me in a difference place. Quietly curious about the people of my past, a little sad that I so completely disconnected from everyone I knew. It might be nice to talk to people, find out what I've missed. I'm not interested in being a spectacle but... I do kinda wish I could go and see what people are like now and... I feel lonely.
I paint myself as a bit of a loner in highschool and to some extent, that's very true. I always felt very alone. However, at the same time, I had a number of friends. Perhaps not good friends, but I did interact with a lot of people and unlike a lot of people I know now, I dated several people in highschool. None of those lasted very long but.. They were people I knew and cared for (in some primitive and deeply superficial way) and I wonder what became of them.
Doesn't matter of course. I can't afford to go. Just... Feeling a bit blue. :/
(no subject)
Date: 2010-06-23 10:49 pm (UTC)I've a sort of morbid curiosity about what they'd think of me now. Little of my life success has anything to do with what anyone else considers success, and I've become as strange as they accused me of being then.