Somewhat sad
Jun. 23rd, 2010 11:27 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
pasitheaMy 20-year highschool reunion is in a week or two. I can't afford to go but... Saw this article earlier:
http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/us/2010/06/21/ms.youth.ceara.school.picture.cnn?hpt=C2
And now I'm feeling rather weepy and sad about it.
I erased myself from highschool. I have my junior and senior high yearbooks. When I was a child, I was so upset by my pictures that in junior year, I used a pencil eraser and rubbed myself out of my yearbook, leaving nothing but an empty space on the page where I didn't exist.
In senior year, I was more clever and dodged the photo days. I am not in the yearbook at all. I might as well have never existed.
There was a time that I never wanted to go to a reunion because I had no desire to be around 'those people' and there was a time when I wanted to go just to be in their face and say "I exist. I am successful. Eat it, you proles!" but... I've let go of that kind of rage. I don't hate them, I don't hate my small and fragile self that I was then. I've stopped surviving and begun living and that puts me in a difference place. Quietly curious about the people of my past, a little sad that I so completely disconnected from everyone I knew. It might be nice to talk to people, find out what I've missed. I'm not interested in being a spectacle but... I do kinda wish I could go and see what people are like now and... I feel lonely.
I paint myself as a bit of a loner in highschool and to some extent, that's very true. I always felt very alone. However, at the same time, I had a number of friends. Perhaps not good friends, but I did interact with a lot of people and unlike a lot of people I know now, I dated several people in highschool. None of those lasted very long but.. They were people I knew and cared for (in some primitive and deeply superficial way) and I wonder what became of them.
Doesn't matter of course. I can't afford to go. Just... Feeling a bit blue. :/
http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/us/2010/06/21/ms.youth.ceara.school.picture.cnn?hpt=C2
And now I'm feeling rather weepy and sad about it.
I erased myself from highschool. I have my junior and senior high yearbooks. When I was a child, I was so upset by my pictures that in junior year, I used a pencil eraser and rubbed myself out of my yearbook, leaving nothing but an empty space on the page where I didn't exist.
In senior year, I was more clever and dodged the photo days. I am not in the yearbook at all. I might as well have never existed.
There was a time that I never wanted to go to a reunion because I had no desire to be around 'those people' and there was a time when I wanted to go just to be in their face and say "I exist. I am successful. Eat it, you proles!" but... I've let go of that kind of rage. I don't hate them, I don't hate my small and fragile self that I was then. I've stopped surviving and begun living and that puts me in a difference place. Quietly curious about the people of my past, a little sad that I so completely disconnected from everyone I knew. It might be nice to talk to people, find out what I've missed. I'm not interested in being a spectacle but... I do kinda wish I could go and see what people are like now and... I feel lonely.
I paint myself as a bit of a loner in highschool and to some extent, that's very true. I always felt very alone. However, at the same time, I had a number of friends. Perhaps not good friends, but I did interact with a lot of people and unlike a lot of people I know now, I dated several people in highschool. None of those lasted very long but.. They were people I knew and cared for (in some primitive and deeply superficial way) and I wonder what became of them.
Doesn't matter of course. I can't afford to go. Just... Feeling a bit blue. :/
