![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Incommunicado
Oct. 19th, 2010 12:19 pmI haven't been posting a lot lately though I suppose it doesn't really matter. Dreamwidth isn't really catching on and LJ seems pretty dead.
Not a lot interesting going on in my life right now. I've been spending a lot of time meditating and asking myself the question, "What is the most important thing I can be doing right now?"
I found, interestingly that during a period of high stress I couldn't even make time to answer that question in a lip-service sort of way. The answer was "Not what I'm doing right now." but that didn't change the stress behavior. I wonder if this is a symptom of stress or of poor impulse control. I know that at times when I become conscious I'm biting my nails, I sometimes go into this prolonged "Why are you doing that?" which is a useful mental exercise on one side but on the other side, it's a stalling tactic so I can keep biting my nails until I've sufficiently answered the question (though the answer is inevitably, "There's no valid reason for it.")
Once I was able to focus enough to start thinking about what the right answers were, I still wasn't finding myself really motivated to action on them. I guess I'm also not entirely happy with the answers because they are: (In order)
That list may sound a bit utilitarian and, in truth, it is. Money is very tight right now and probably will be for some time to come. However, it's also fair to note that I like my job and the project that I've not been enjoying is ending soon so if I can just hold out a bit longer on that, I'll be back to working on fun things. I don't talk about programming a lot but I actually really enjoy programming. When you're actually designing and building things, it's like the best parts of art and poetry and math combined. It's beautiful and amazing. Even when you're debugging someone else's code it can be an interesting sort of archaeological experience, trying to decipher the cryptic ruins. Was the person a mad genius or simply a nutter? Studying job-related stuff is useful in that I've been somewhat neglectful here. I've been down in the trenches too long. Constant grind of fixing other people's code and I haven't thought about bigger things for a while so doing something outside the trench is a nice changeup and may help ease the conditions in the salt mine.
The same sort of things are true for working on the house. I love our house. It's quiet and serene. The forest is lovely. If it weren't for all the stress the past few months about work and money, I think I'd be living in a paradise. But... Honestly, I lost my energy working on the stairs due to all the delays and with money being tight and big expenses popping up frequently, I got into a pretty depressive state. ... I don't think the endless winter weather helped either. I let things go a bit, let the house get messy and messiness makes me MORE depressed and then, not finishing projects makes me depressed as well so... I've been down in a hole and not really getting a lot done. Truth is, I really don't know what I've been doing this summer. I haven't worked on art much at all, I haven't worked on the house much, I haven't been hanging out with people, I haven't been playing video games, I haven't taking trips (of any sort) nor sewing or anything. I've just been.... I don't know. Absent, I guess. It's kind of worrisome really.
Depression is really too much of a waste of time.
Anyhow, I'm going to continue to be anti-social for a while. I'm getting my head screwed back on straight, it's just taking a bit longer than I'd like.
Not a lot interesting going on in my life right now. I've been spending a lot of time meditating and asking myself the question, "What is the most important thing I can be doing right now?"
I found, interestingly that during a period of high stress I couldn't even make time to answer that question in a lip-service sort of way. The answer was "Not what I'm doing right now." but that didn't change the stress behavior. I wonder if this is a symptom of stress or of poor impulse control. I know that at times when I become conscious I'm biting my nails, I sometimes go into this prolonged "Why are you doing that?" which is a useful mental exercise on one side but on the other side, it's a stalling tactic so I can keep biting my nails until I've sufficiently answered the question (though the answer is inevitably, "There's no valid reason for it.")
Once I was able to focus enough to start thinking about what the right answers were, I still wasn't finding myself really motivated to action on them. I guess I'm also not entirely happy with the answers because they are: (In order)
- Focusing on my job and providing quality performance.
- Clean and work on the house.
- Study on and improve job-related skills
That list may sound a bit utilitarian and, in truth, it is. Money is very tight right now and probably will be for some time to come. However, it's also fair to note that I like my job and the project that I've not been enjoying is ending soon so if I can just hold out a bit longer on that, I'll be back to working on fun things. I don't talk about programming a lot but I actually really enjoy programming. When you're actually designing and building things, it's like the best parts of art and poetry and math combined. It's beautiful and amazing. Even when you're debugging someone else's code it can be an interesting sort of archaeological experience, trying to decipher the cryptic ruins. Was the person a mad genius or simply a nutter? Studying job-related stuff is useful in that I've been somewhat neglectful here. I've been down in the trenches too long. Constant grind of fixing other people's code and I haven't thought about bigger things for a while so doing something outside the trench is a nice changeup and may help ease the conditions in the salt mine.
The same sort of things are true for working on the house. I love our house. It's quiet and serene. The forest is lovely. If it weren't for all the stress the past few months about work and money, I think I'd be living in a paradise. But... Honestly, I lost my energy working on the stairs due to all the delays and with money being tight and big expenses popping up frequently, I got into a pretty depressive state. ... I don't think the endless winter weather helped either. I let things go a bit, let the house get messy and messiness makes me MORE depressed and then, not finishing projects makes me depressed as well so... I've been down in a hole and not really getting a lot done. Truth is, I really don't know what I've been doing this summer. I haven't worked on art much at all, I haven't worked on the house much, I haven't been hanging out with people, I haven't been playing video games, I haven't taking trips (of any sort) nor sewing or anything. I've just been.... I don't know. Absent, I guess. It's kind of worrisome really.
Depression is really too much of a waste of time.
Anyhow, I'm going to continue to be anti-social for a while. I'm getting my head screwed back on straight, it's just taking a bit longer than I'd like.
