Making Faces

Yesterday, a friend told me that I seemed angry a lot. :/ I don't feel like an angry person. Certain things will make me go off, but I get over them quickly. But just the same, she's right. The face I show the world tends to be angry a lot of the time. Well. Online. In person, I suppose I'm a lot more light and carefree.

It's funny. Who we are versus who we present: I see wonder and beauty all around me all the time, why don't I share that instead of rage? I'm guessing it's insecurity. Anger is a safe emotion. If I say, "This is beautiful, I love this!", I'm not just sharing something beautiful with the world, I'm opening myself to someone saying, "It's ugly", "That was made by sweatshop labor.", or "How can you talk about something so inane when there's so much awful in the world."

It's also tied up in what I was taught as 'humility'. I do lots of good stuff. I've let people stay with me for months without any requirement of payment so they could get back on their feet. Helped friends pay rent when they were stuck. Helped people move. Taken people on vacations. Etc. I rarely talk about those things.

Mostly, I don't want whoever I'm helping to feel as if they owe me anything. If I mention a deed, they might have to publicly say 'Thank you' and I feel like that's forced humility. Second, I fear that if I help one person and another person hears about it, then when they need help and I can't or won't help them, they think that I dislike them or that they're bad or something.

Then, there's my own feelings. If I talk about good deeds, I feel I'm saying "Lookit me! I'm good! SEE!" and then it feels like it's a show where I'm trying to pay for the angry stuff with isolated acts of kindness. I don't want kindness to be my Uncle Tom.

Bringing up the rear is a keen twisty bit of spite for religious jerks. Lots of people say you can't be morale without religion. I strongly disagree. So, subconsciously, I have to PROVE that I'm morale without religion. (Let's play spot the logic fault!) ^_^

But... Even if you strip all that stuff away, whatever is really 'me' is a kind and gentle thing. I should show that face more often.

( Some additional thoughts about anger behind this cut )

( Solution to all the world's problems )

I'll stop rambling now.

Moments of Beauty

When we were in Portland last week, I of course went to the major attraction in Portland AKA Powell's Books. I was pretty well-behaved. I only purchased two books. One of them is a field guide to the trees, the other, Little Nemo: 1904-1915

If you're not familiar with Winsor McCay, please look him up. A decade before Disney or even Felix, he was making amazing cell animation. In fact, perhaps the closest thing I understand to a Holy Relic is a cell from "The Sinking of the Lusitania" at the Cartoon Art Museum in San Francisco.

McCay was also a simply brilliant artist. Little Nemo in Slumberland is artistically one of the most amazing comics ever made. shatterstripes had a copy of this book when she was living with me, and I got to read about half of it before she moved away. I've been searching for a copy since. There are other Nemo in Slumberland books out. If I had the space and could afford it, I'd buy the 24"x36" $125 each books of Nemo in their full original format, but I can't, so this book is a good compromise as it better fits my space and was far less pricey.

I spent a few evenings curled up with it while I was in Portland but haven't had a chance to since returning home. Tonight though, I'm looking forward to an evening curled up with a cat, some hot tea, and a stack of books. In addition to Nemo, I think I'm going to revisit some Edward Gorey and Chas Addams. With the economy the way it is, I've been thinking that Addams would be topical and even more enjoyable. :)

I really should plan more time-out evenings to read and enjoy beautiful things.

Charming!

Someone had to do it...