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Why I never shot anyone in school.
May. 12th, 2007 12:54 amFriends-locked this essay for now. I think I should clean it up a bit and see about publishing it in places more important than my live journal. I would like to believe I am not the monster but I would be lying if I said I never thought about killing people who hurt me. Ugly though it may be, thoughts like this have both kept me from committing suicide and committing murder far more than any noble notion of right and wrong or morality. Who knows. If it works for me, it might work for some other would-be sociopath out there too. Input would be appreciated.
Watched a program on the Virginia Tech shooting and I feel like I need to address all the kids considering this kind of action. If you've never considered going on a killing spree, feel free to ignore the rest of this. For everyone else:
Okay look. Here's the cold hard fact: You're fucking stupid, pathetic and worthless.
No wait. Hear me out. This isn't the whinging of some asshole that doesn't understand. Believe me. I FULLY understand.
I know the people you're surrounded by are a bunch of ignorant assholes. They're mean little shitbags that think they own the fucking world and need to be taught a lesson. By in large they're empty vapid pieces of shit who don't give a fuck who they hurt to make themselves look cool and popular. It would be SWEET to teach them a lesson. Just imagine the look of terror on their arrogant faces as they shit themselves while begging for their life on their knees in front of you and you listen to them beg and you think about all the shit things this fucker has done to you and others like you and how he's never had to face the real fucking world before, and after you've watched him wake up. *BANG* and he falls back, dazed and confused, a gaping hole right between his eyes, not knowing he's already dead and the last thing he sees is your face and his last thoughts are of all the shit he's done and all the shit he took for granted that he's not going to do.
Oh yeah. I know. I've dreamt about it. I've played out a million times how I'd do it so I could wipe out as many of them as possible before I had to off myself... And THAT is why I can tell you that you're fucking stupid. Because here's the bottom fucking line:
YOU CAN'T KILL ENOUGH OF THOSE FUCKERS TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE.
All you're going to do is make them martyrs. All you're going to accomplish is give them MORE love and MORE attention and MORE tools to tease and harass people JUST LIKE me and you. You can't even fucking fantasize about killing these assholes any more. Write down one story, tell one friend a fantasy about it and there's a chance someone is going to run screaming to the school/police/whatever and then YOUR WHOLE LIFE IS FUCKED. They win. They can pick on us and tease us and beat us up and their asshole friends will lie for them and they'll all smile smugly and you can't do anything about it.
So look. Here's the deal. I don't care jack shit about those assholes and if I did know them, odds are I'd agree with you. Kill the pigfuckers and watch them scream and cry and beg. But I'm NOT you. I'm old enough to know that there are roughly SIX BILLION total assholes on the planet and unless I can find some way to kill every last motherfucking one of them I'm not going to accomplish a damn thing beyond making the life of people like you and me MORE fucking miserable. So thanks you ignorant selfish little shit. I really appreciate that you've made my life that little bit worse. You FINALLY made yourself fit in, didn't you. Go on a killing spree and YOU are just as big of a selfish arrogant fucker as they are.
Want a better path? You've got a brain. Beat these unimaginative dicks. It's not that hard. I'll even tell you the secret. Don't waste your time on the individual assholes. It's a waste of time. They aren't worth it. Even if you wiped out your whole school, there's thousands of other schools with millions of other assholes. Even nukes wouldn't kill em all and some of them would undoubtedly survive even the nastiest virus. You can't even just off yourself because you know a bunch of them will beat their meat over your corpse and crow about what a whuss you were and that's why you did it and other will sniffle and snivel and cry, claiming they were you friend and milk it for all the fucking sympathy and attention they can get.
So.. Here's the thing. To beat these assholes, you have to become something better than they are. Find something you like. Even if you're not good at it. Just figure out what you want to do and then DO IT. It doesn't matter how bad you are at it or whether or not those assholes laugh. Fuck em. It took me a long time to figure this out but the only reason they keep 'winning' is because we're playing by their rules. FUCK EM ALL. Quit being a freak. Start being a super fucking gigantic screaming freak! Play the guitar. Write poetry. Paint yourself green. Do whatever the fuck makes you happy.
I know, I know. Everyone says you'll get locked up in a mental hospital if you do that and maybe if you live deep in the heart of Dumbfuckistan that might even happen. Big fucking deal. At least you'd be away from those assholes and when you come back NO ONE will DARE fuck with you. But PROBABLY what will happen is a psychologist will talk to you for a while and say, "No you ignorant assholes. It's perfectly healthy to vent this shit. Leave him the fuck alone."
Second possibility: That trite bullshit about 'Don't try to be cool, just be yourself.' It's a load. It's crap people feed you to sugar coat the fact that the world is full of assholes but it's also true. You don't like all these pigfuckers who are trying to be 'cool' do you? Fuck. Look at like Marylin Manson or Trent Reznor or those crazy fuckers in GWAR. They're total fucking freaks AND they've got millions of fans, money, and fame. Five years out of highschool, only the used car lot remembers the name of the highschool quarter back and that's only because he works there. Sure. You can go on a shooting spree and get your 15 minutes of fame, but like I said before. The survivors get to milk it for the rest of their fucking lives. You want that?
Truth is, the second you stop trying to be normal and just do whatever the fuck makes you happy, you become something else. Something better than the rest of them and they notice. Not right away. It takes a while, maybe even a couple years but then one day you wake up and you realize that instead of being surrounded by ignorant assholes you want to kill, you're surrounded by ignorant fans that you want to kill. (Uh okay. That's not really better but at least fans buy you stuff)
Last possibility: The assholes kill you. Yeah. That's a risk. Not going to deny it. They might even get away with it. Cops like to try to pretend not to notice if some white assholes kill a black man or some christian assholes kill a queer for Christ. It's a risk BUT things are getting better. DNA and crime scene evidence is getting really damn good and they'll PROBABLY end up getting anally raped in prison for years, maybe executed. BUT consider this. THEY LOSE. Sure. You're dead but so fucking what. You were willing to kill yourself after taking out a few of them so what's that matter. You got a free out. BUT YOU are the martyr. You still get your 15 minutes of fame but instead of all those assholes psychologists and people you know saying you were sick, mentally ill, and all the other bullshit they spew because they don't want to see their precious fucking special little babies for the wastes they are. They have to. They have to take a long hard look at Mr Wrestling Team and Mr Football Player and they have to admit that the truth about this fuckers and instead of the sheep making the life of people like you and me worse, they have to eat their own. WE win. They lose.
So there it is. No sunshine. No bullshit. No happy fucking 'It'll be alright'. No fucking 'I love you' or 'Everyone deserves to live.' bullshit. Just a simple request: Don't fuck up MY life. Killing the sheep would be so fucking easy... But you can't wipe them all out. You couldn't even take out a tiny fraction. Kill them and you, me, and everyone else like us loses while the rest of the world shits rainbows for them.
Why I never shot anyone in school.
Watched a program on the Virginia Tech shooting and I feel like I need to address all the kids considering this kind of action. If you've never considered going on a killing spree, feel free to ignore the rest of this. For everyone else:
Okay look. Here's the cold hard fact: You're fucking stupid, pathetic and worthless.
No wait. Hear me out. This isn't the whinging of some asshole that doesn't understand. Believe me. I FULLY understand.
I know the people you're surrounded by are a bunch of ignorant assholes. They're mean little shitbags that think they own the fucking world and need to be taught a lesson. By in large they're empty vapid pieces of shit who don't give a fuck who they hurt to make themselves look cool and popular. It would be SWEET to teach them a lesson. Just imagine the look of terror on their arrogant faces as they shit themselves while begging for their life on their knees in front of you and you listen to them beg and you think about all the shit things this fucker has done to you and others like you and how he's never had to face the real fucking world before, and after you've watched him wake up. *BANG* and he falls back, dazed and confused, a gaping hole right between his eyes, not knowing he's already dead and the last thing he sees is your face and his last thoughts are of all the shit he's done and all the shit he took for granted that he's not going to do.
Oh yeah. I know. I've dreamt about it. I've played out a million times how I'd do it so I could wipe out as many of them as possible before I had to off myself... And THAT is why I can tell you that you're fucking stupid. Because here's the bottom fucking line:
YOU CAN'T KILL ENOUGH OF THOSE FUCKERS TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE.
All you're going to do is make them martyrs. All you're going to accomplish is give them MORE love and MORE attention and MORE tools to tease and harass people JUST LIKE me and you. You can't even fucking fantasize about killing these assholes any more. Write down one story, tell one friend a fantasy about it and there's a chance someone is going to run screaming to the school/police/whatever and then YOUR WHOLE LIFE IS FUCKED. They win. They can pick on us and tease us and beat us up and their asshole friends will lie for them and they'll all smile smugly and you can't do anything about it.
So look. Here's the deal. I don't care jack shit about those assholes and if I did know them, odds are I'd agree with you. Kill the pigfuckers and watch them scream and cry and beg. But I'm NOT you. I'm old enough to know that there are roughly SIX BILLION total assholes on the planet and unless I can find some way to kill every last motherfucking one of them I'm not going to accomplish a damn thing beyond making the life of people like you and me MORE fucking miserable. So thanks you ignorant selfish little shit. I really appreciate that you've made my life that little bit worse. You FINALLY made yourself fit in, didn't you. Go on a killing spree and YOU are just as big of a selfish arrogant fucker as they are.
Want a better path? You've got a brain. Beat these unimaginative dicks. It's not that hard. I'll even tell you the secret. Don't waste your time on the individual assholes. It's a waste of time. They aren't worth it. Even if you wiped out your whole school, there's thousands of other schools with millions of other assholes. Even nukes wouldn't kill em all and some of them would undoubtedly survive even the nastiest virus. You can't even just off yourself because you know a bunch of them will beat their meat over your corpse and crow about what a whuss you were and that's why you did it and other will sniffle and snivel and cry, claiming they were you friend and milk it for all the fucking sympathy and attention they can get.
So.. Here's the thing. To beat these assholes, you have to become something better than they are. Find something you like. Even if you're not good at it. Just figure out what you want to do and then DO IT. It doesn't matter how bad you are at it or whether or not those assholes laugh. Fuck em. It took me a long time to figure this out but the only reason they keep 'winning' is because we're playing by their rules. FUCK EM ALL. Quit being a freak. Start being a super fucking gigantic screaming freak! Play the guitar. Write poetry. Paint yourself green. Do whatever the fuck makes you happy.
I know, I know. Everyone says you'll get locked up in a mental hospital if you do that and maybe if you live deep in the heart of Dumbfuckistan that might even happen. Big fucking deal. At least you'd be away from those assholes and when you come back NO ONE will DARE fuck with you. But PROBABLY what will happen is a psychologist will talk to you for a while and say, "No you ignorant assholes. It's perfectly healthy to vent this shit. Leave him the fuck alone."
Second possibility: That trite bullshit about 'Don't try to be cool, just be yourself.' It's a load. It's crap people feed you to sugar coat the fact that the world is full of assholes but it's also true. You don't like all these pigfuckers who are trying to be 'cool' do you? Fuck. Look at like Marylin Manson or Trent Reznor or those crazy fuckers in GWAR. They're total fucking freaks AND they've got millions of fans, money, and fame. Five years out of highschool, only the used car lot remembers the name of the highschool quarter back and that's only because he works there. Sure. You can go on a shooting spree and get your 15 minutes of fame, but like I said before. The survivors get to milk it for the rest of their fucking lives. You want that?
Truth is, the second you stop trying to be normal and just do whatever the fuck makes you happy, you become something else. Something better than the rest of them and they notice. Not right away. It takes a while, maybe even a couple years but then one day you wake up and you realize that instead of being surrounded by ignorant assholes you want to kill, you're surrounded by ignorant fans that you want to kill. (Uh okay. That's not really better but at least fans buy you stuff)
Last possibility: The assholes kill you. Yeah. That's a risk. Not going to deny it. They might even get away with it. Cops like to try to pretend not to notice if some white assholes kill a black man or some christian assholes kill a queer for Christ. It's a risk BUT things are getting better. DNA and crime scene evidence is getting really damn good and they'll PROBABLY end up getting anally raped in prison for years, maybe executed. BUT consider this. THEY LOSE. Sure. You're dead but so fucking what. You were willing to kill yourself after taking out a few of them so what's that matter. You got a free out. BUT YOU are the martyr. You still get your 15 minutes of fame but instead of all those assholes psychologists and people you know saying you were sick, mentally ill, and all the other bullshit they spew because they don't want to see their precious fucking special little babies for the wastes they are. They have to. They have to take a long hard look at Mr Wrestling Team and Mr Football Player and they have to admit that the truth about this fuckers and instead of the sheep making the life of people like you and me worse, they have to eat their own. WE win. They lose.
So there it is. No sunshine. No bullshit. No happy fucking 'It'll be alright'. No fucking 'I love you' or 'Everyone deserves to live.' bullshit. Just a simple request: Don't fuck up MY life. Killing the sheep would be so fucking easy... But you can't wipe them all out. You couldn't even take out a tiny fraction. Kill them and you, me, and everyone else like us loses while the rest of the world shits rainbows for them.
