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Finding faith.
Nov. 12th, 2006 12:40 amSomeone passed me this link earlier tonight and I've spent most of my evening reading it. It's long but really worth the time. http://www.iidb.org/vbb/showthread.php?s=b3a6052347cd3263818ea7854f0f22c1&t=72552
My 'fall from grace' wasn't as severe as hers, but so much of what she writes about hurts me in some way that I don't think I can explain to anyone who hasn't experienced it.
Religious people tend to see me as hateful and bigoted against their beliefs, that I'm foolish, making comments about their beliefs without a moment's thought or care. It's really not true. I became who I am by slow painful degrees. I was devoutly religious when I was a child, I believed it all.. But like her, slowly, cracks began to appear and when I asked questions, I was met with contempt and it only made the cracks deeper.
My great grandmother died almost exactly a year ago. My mother wouldn't even tell me where her funeral was, would not let me come and weep and remember her. I loved my nana so much but because of who and what I am, that final goodbye was taken from me and destroyed the last tiny sliver of faith I may have had.
it hurts so much to be alone and I cannot look back at their faith and feel anything but the pain of being thrown away. discarded as defective. I tried so hard to be what they wanted. for years I tried and the more I tried the worse it got, and when I couldn't be who they wanted, I tried many different churches, different people, I threw myself into wicca with just as much ernest desire to believe, belong, be part of something. something had to be wrong with me. i tried everything
i'm only halfway through Laurie's story and i know it gets worse before it gets better and maybe better isn't even the right word. nothing will ever feel as safe and happy as the absolute conviction of faith, there are s many nights I prayed and prayed to believe to feel to be one of them again. some nights i still cling to the final shreds of the wicca i adopted later and cry out to my gods and goddess, desperate to feel that once again but it's dark. there are no gods for me
and while it is so painful, i wrote about finding faith, not losing it. the one ray in it, the one thing that started to give my life meaning was learning to believe not in some magical god that would set everything right but to believe in myself and the world around me Do good deeds, live a good life. we are all gods and we can make this world as beautiful as we dare dream if we only put faith in ourselves and dare try.
it doesn't always provide comfort and answers and it doesn't stop these tears from flowing, and I'm not happier. But, for me, it's better to let those things go and not see the world in pure black and white. There is more than one answer to everything, more than one truth, more than one way of being. I don't have to like something in order to respect it, and that is the one thing that puts me at odds with all religions. I do not know the right path. Life is a trick question. It doesn't have a right answer.
Religion is the Cliff Notes the story of your life. It can be good for helping you analyze some parts of it, but too many people try to use it as a way to cheat.
Take care, you lot. I'm going to go back to reading now.
My 'fall from grace' wasn't as severe as hers, but so much of what she writes about hurts me in some way that I don't think I can explain to anyone who hasn't experienced it.
Religious people tend to see me as hateful and bigoted against their beliefs, that I'm foolish, making comments about their beliefs without a moment's thought or care. It's really not true. I became who I am by slow painful degrees. I was devoutly religious when I was a child, I believed it all.. But like her, slowly, cracks began to appear and when I asked questions, I was met with contempt and it only made the cracks deeper.
My great grandmother died almost exactly a year ago. My mother wouldn't even tell me where her funeral was, would not let me come and weep and remember her. I loved my nana so much but because of who and what I am, that final goodbye was taken from me and destroyed the last tiny sliver of faith I may have had.
it hurts so much to be alone and I cannot look back at their faith and feel anything but the pain of being thrown away. discarded as defective. I tried so hard to be what they wanted. for years I tried and the more I tried the worse it got, and when I couldn't be who they wanted, I tried many different churches, different people, I threw myself into wicca with just as much ernest desire to believe, belong, be part of something. something had to be wrong with me. i tried everything
i'm only halfway through Laurie's story and i know it gets worse before it gets better and maybe better isn't even the right word. nothing will ever feel as safe and happy as the absolute conviction of faith, there are s many nights I prayed and prayed to believe to feel to be one of them again. some nights i still cling to the final shreds of the wicca i adopted later and cry out to my gods and goddess, desperate to feel that once again but it's dark. there are no gods for me
and while it is so painful, i wrote about finding faith, not losing it. the one ray in it, the one thing that started to give my life meaning was learning to believe not in some magical god that would set everything right but to believe in myself and the world around me Do good deeds, live a good life. we are all gods and we can make this world as beautiful as we dare dream if we only put faith in ourselves and dare try.
it doesn't always provide comfort and answers and it doesn't stop these tears from flowing, and I'm not happier. But, for me, it's better to let those things go and not see the world in pure black and white. There is more than one answer to everything, more than one truth, more than one way of being. I don't have to like something in order to respect it, and that is the one thing that puts me at odds with all religions. I do not know the right path. Life is a trick question. It doesn't have a right answer.
Religion is the Cliff Notes the story of your life. It can be good for helping you analyze some parts of it, but too many people try to use it as a way to cheat.
Take care, you lot. I'm going to go back to reading now.
