pasithea

If you look me up on Flickr, you'll find that all my photos are of me. In fact, almost everything I post everywhere is always about me. I'm so self absorbed that even I find it annoying. I don't know how anyone else can stand it and I guess maybe they can't. Compared to how most people get on, I seem to have very few close friends. I know a lot of really awesome people but I generally feel it's more like they tolerate my presence than we're really friends.

I guess it's kind of a vicious circle. I think that most of the reason I am so self absorbed is because I'm always screaming, "Please somebody like me! Look how neat I am! I'm worth knowing!" but when someone does pay attention, I just kind of keep going. I have to be better and neater or the novelty will wear off and they'll find someone else to associate with. So I'm never really 'with' people. I'm beside them, near them, around them, but never really part of the group.

I'm also really bad at fantasy play with others. I have to put on a performance and entertain them. I have to be actively creating story. I can't ever seem to let go and be part of the story. This really depresses me because I know some great story tellers. I just don't know how to let go. I think I blame this last part on my mother. She controlled the story of my childhood and it never made me happy and as soon as I began telling my own story (The one where I was not a good little christian soldier) she abandoned me, told me my story was stupid and ill conceived and would end in destruction.

I don't really know how to interact with others. I know there must be more options than 'control everything' or 'be manipulated and bullied'. I'm certain of it. I don't believe in dichotomies. I just can't seem to find a middle ground where I am sincere.

Also... If nothing else, I am my own best friend. I genuinely like me and like being me, and I like doing all the stuff I do. The further I push myself, the happier I am. Nothing makes me feel quite as good as creating stuff, even if it's stuff I never show anyone or tell anyone about. Though part of that is probably the knowledge that if I've created one of something, I can create another and the next one will probably be better than this one so when I show that one to someone, it will be even better than whatever I created for myself.

Still. I wish I knew how to be friends with people. :/