pasithea: glowing girl (Default)
Yesterday, a friend told me that I seemed angry a lot. :/ I don't feel like an angry person. Certain things will make me go off, but I get over them quickly. But just the same, she's right. The face I show the world tends to be angry a lot of the time. Well. Online. In person, I suppose I'm a lot more light and carefree.

It's funny. Who we are versus who we present: I see wonder and beauty all around me all the time, why don't I share that instead of rage? I'm guessing it's insecurity. Anger is a safe emotion. If I say, "This is beautiful, I love this!", I'm not just sharing something beautiful with the world, I'm opening myself to someone saying, "It's ugly", "That was made by sweatshop labor.", or "How can you talk about something so inane when there's so much awful in the world."

It's also tied up in what I was taught as 'humility'. I do lots of good stuff. I've let people stay with me for months without any requirement of payment so they could get back on their feet. Helped friends pay rent when they were stuck. Helped people move. Taken people on vacations. Etc. I rarely talk about those things.

Mostly, I don't want whoever I'm helping to feel as if they owe me anything. If I mention a deed, they might have to publicly say 'Thank you' and I feel like that's forced humility. Second, I fear that if I help one person and another person hears about it, then when they need help and I can't or won't help them, they think that I dislike them or that they're bad or something.

Then, there's my own feelings. If I talk about good deeds, I feel I'm saying "Lookit me! I'm good! SEE!" and then it feels like it's a show where I'm trying to pay for the angry stuff with isolated acts of kindness. I don't want kindness to be my Uncle Tom.

Bringing up the rear is a keen twisty bit of spite for religious jerks. Lots of people say you can't be morale without religion. I strongly disagree. So, subconsciously, I have to PROVE that I'm morale without religion. (Let's play spot the logic fault!) ^_^

But... Even if you strip all that stuff away, whatever is really 'me' is a kind and gentle thing. I should show that face more often.

Some additional thoughts about anger behind this cut )

Solution to all the world's problems )

I'll stop rambling now.

Stigmata

Nov. 17th, 2008 09:30 am
pasithea: glowing girl (Default)
Ah, nature.

Last week, I found the world's most hateful poison oak. I'm very mindful of poison oak and stay away from it, but no. This one had apparently dropped its leaves and retained all its oils on its branches or something. I sure didn't see it.

At the moment, I'd do well as an extra in a Troma film. Plenty of blisters and oozing. I even have the martyred holes in each palm because this particular poison oak was so hateful that it even penetrated the callouses of my work-weary hands. How nice.

It's times like these when I consider taking a new direction in life. Perhaps genetic engineering. I could perhaps capture the mold responsible for Sudden Oak Death and see if I could re-engineer it to be Sudden Poison Oak Death.

So... There you have the horrible truth. Apparently mindlessly hateful things like Prop 8 supporters and Poison Oak can apparently push even a pacifist to thoughts of genocide. But I ask you. Would the world really miss either of them? And if so, perhaps we could just put them in little biodomes together. Prop 8 supporters and poison oak, frolicking arm in arm in my very own garden of eden.

wc -w

Nov. 5th, 2007 01:04 pm
pasithea: glowing girl (Default)
NaNoWriMo wordcount is still 0. I didn't do anything this weekend. No writing, no art, no animation, no schoolwork, no programming, nothing. I just kind of laid around and wasted time. :/ Actually weekend is too short a descriptor. Most of the past week I've been that way. Not exactly depressed but not really active.

It's kind of frustrating. I'm not stuck for ideas, just motivation. In fact, if anything, I have too many ideas. Ideas are cheap. Doing something with an idea is the real challenge.

Anyhow.. As far as NaNo goes, I guess I had one false-start last week. It's a story that I would like to do but it needs a lot more time and research than I can presently devote to it so it can't really take off right now.

Thus at lunch time, I hit puree on my plot generator and threw together about a 500 word outline of a story that I believe I can do within the confines of NaNoWriMo. I'll get started on it tonight after I get done with my schoolwork. Soooo... I wonder if I can pull off 7,000 words in an evening and get caught up. :)


In other news, looks like Godzilla starts filming this coming weekend. Yay. :)
pasithea: glowing girl (Default)
Hmm. Foo.

Julia has invited me to go with her to http://www.symbiosisgathering.com/event.php She has an extra ticket and doesn't want to waste it.

The problem is that we'd be leaving tomorrow afternoon and be gone most of the weekend.

I've already got plans for Friday night and classes starting Monday and a schedule of projects I wanted to work on this weekend and my hair is getting long and the color is kinda faded... But on the other hand... Burning Man Lite. ... Foo.
pasithea: glowing girl (Default)
Terse update of misc things.

Computer repair still under Applecare. Costs 0 but laptop gone for a week.

Work has + and -. Making really good progress on my project but a coworker that I liked (though sometimes disagreed with) left. Sad to see him go.

Hung out with Ashy yesterday.

Highs. Falafel. Mmm. Free coke! Lottery entries, make-up counters.

Lows... Discovery of a EDGY CHRISTIAN CLOTHING store in the mall. *gag* It was sorta fun to ridicule them, but it makes me really sad that such a thing exists.

Errata.

Bought a bottle of AGWA. Interesting stuff. Supposedly it's an alcohol made with Coca leaves and Guarana or something like that. It's bright green and smells like after shave.
Surprisingly however, I REALLY liked the taste of it. I mean I thought it was delicious!

I can't really say that it gets you 'wired' though as my natural state is wired. It was definitely a weird buzz. I didn't feel dizzy and I my face was numb and I was rocking back and forth like a crackhead but the same thing happens to me when I drink coffee.

Also, I had taken modafinil in the morning and there could have been some collision between them. Definitely, as usual, alcohol counteracted the effect of moda and make me fall asleep hard (part of why I seldom drink anymore)

So. Tasty at least (to me. I don't think Ashy or Stacey liked it as well) and may or may not give a good ride. I may try some more tonight for a more controlled study.

Now back to coloring.
pasithea: glowing girl (Default)
*sigh* I know this isn't an issue of being 'smart' but it often feels like it is and it's something that really bothers me.

I really REALLY wish I read faster. I read constantly. If you include the internet and looking at code, the vast majority of what I do in a day is reading.

But I read REALLY antagonistically slow. Most of my friends can zip through a short novel in 2 or 3 hours. For me it's more like 10-15. Even more frustrating is that most of those friends have much better retention of what they read than I do. Often I can't even remember the names of the characters after I'm done reading a story and I am left with only a vague outline of the plot.

Reading fast might not make one smart but retention surely counts for something and imagine how much smarter I could be if I could read at that speed. I can only imagine the joy of being able to burn through 5 books in the time it currently takes me to get through 1.

*sigh* So many books. So little time. How frustrating it is to be crippled in this particular way. I don't suppose anyone else has faced a similar problem and found some method for solution.
pasithea: glowing girl (Default)
Crutches are surprisingly a lot of exercise. Give your legs a hug for the are awesome and mighty beyond our puny knowing!

Okay. Before anyone worries, I'm fine. I had a tragic EXTREME museum tour. (In other words, I cleverly managed to sprain my knee while walking! Wow! Talent!)

Anyhow. I'm fine. It's not even swollen or bruised, just a little sore and I'm supposed to stay off it for a bit. No hiking, no biking, no dancing, and absolutely no more museums! They're deadly!


But now I'm going to hop into bed! Hop! Get it! HA! Lame joke! HA!!!! Lame! I kill me! (and that should hopefully kill any pity anyone might have been feeling for me. :)

Social

Sep. 18th, 2005 01:07 am
pasithea: glowing girl (Default)
Hee. Yesterday (right after the mustache incident) Jon pings me and asks if I'd like to go do Santa Cruz. Of course, I say yes. Stacey makes us dinner while I throw on some nice gothyish clothes. I con poor Jon into driving my car and give him lessons in driving a stick (that woulda gone great except for other drives throwing trantrums when he stalled it once) Anyhow, eventually I took over and we went to Santa Cruz. Walked up and down the mall a bit because I couldn't remember where Pipeline is. Jon got us some rather decent coffee at Saturn and then we walked down to the boardwalk and out onto the beach.

It was a really beautiful night last night. Wind was off the land (rare) and it was warm and still. No waves, nearly full moon. Quiet and serene. We walked on a beach for a while and in the (closed) boardwalk. They finished restoring Laughing Sally! She is truly terrifying! I stood in awe and watched her for about ten minutes. :) We spent a while in the arcade. Jon was very excited that they had the X-Men game so we played that for a while then walked back to Santa Cruz proper and then to the Santa Cruz Cafe, where we had some rather bad coffee... (See Jon's journal on that)

I didn't eat anything at the cafe so I cooked toast and eggs when I got home. Finally got to bed um... Very late. Got up for work nice and early. After work I stopped at Diddams and got stuff for Lori's going away party, went, saw the animation gang for the first time in a long while. That was nice. Now I'm home, it's late, I'm tired. Why am I still up? Nightnight!
pasithea: glowing girl (Default)
Making a list of all the things I need to learn soon. Stupid things mostly.
How to make a filter on VCL.
How to use the LJ downloadable client.
How to edit my LJ style.
How to get in touch with copyright holders and get terms for incorperating their material into my project.
How to maintain a list of festivals for film submissions.

etc, etc, etc. My list of things to learn goes on forever it seems like and unfortunetely it gets prioritized by interest rather than need it seems like. For instance. I don't know anything about how I might actually graduate college. I don't know what classes I need or who to talk to. I don't even know the real differences between Freshman and Sophmore.

So. I thought I'd pose this question:

What are the 10 most important things to know in life?

I'm not talking about tying your shoes or eating properly. More like: The things that will help you survive in society.

Any input would be appreciated.
pasithea: glowing girl (Default)
Have you ever heard of these guys? I think they must wear gnome hats and carry hammers.

One of more of these creatures snuck into my house while I was at work and installed some rather large and impressive bookshelves. I wonder what you're supposed to feed gnomes so they don't get mad at your ungratefulness and de-alphabetize all your books?

Turned

Dec. 19th, 2002 06:44 pm
pasithea: glowing girl (Default)
Last May I turned 30. I'd always feared thirty, and I think in some way, my fears have come true. I'm not the same person I was when I was 29. This time last year I did not have a brand new car, I did not have a cel phone, I did not have a day runner. I did not have a house in the city. I did not have 20 bottles of wine in a closet. I did not spend hours in the store every few weeks looking for the right things to purchase to wear. I did not style my hair in the mornings and dress nice for work, only to come home in the evening and unwind by switching to sweats and putting my hair up in a more comfortable ponytail. I didn't worry about how many calories things had, or when I could make time to be with my lover.
In the last year, I turned into one of them. It scares me. Moreso because it feels comfortable. I still recycle, I still garden, I am still very active in my art, and I think in some way, this is an effect of finally normalizing and getting past all the things that have happened in my life and being something like a normal person. There's a german film titled, 'Wings of Desire' about a being who, like his breatheren, has watched mankind from it's infancy. In the end, he lets go of his immortal watch of mankind to experience being human himself. I think I feel that way a bit. Watching, but not participating. Yet something has happened. Somewhere along the way, I lost a bit of my dysphoria. I don't wake up every morning filled with self-loathing and scar myself with the memories of what I am and am not. These days, once in a while, I get a flash of memory that I was once something different, but it is distant and fleeting as if the memory of another rather than my own. I remember having such pain about what I was and I can remember why, but the emotion is gone. When I made my detective movie, it didn't even occur to me that I was doing something (dressing up in a suit and tie) that I once would have been completely emotionally unable to do.
Its strange... And yet, I wonder how it relates to being the thing I've turned into. It frightens me. I loathe yuppies and I'd like to think I'm not one. I make best efforts to be polite, even to drivers rude in traffic, and I never shove in line. I avoid talking on my phone in the car... But... I love my London Fog overcoat, sleek and black, and I like looking nice instead of always wearing jeans and tee-shirts. I don't miss riding my motorbike to work in the rain, though it has a certain nostalgia... I like feeling sharp, crisp, and professional at work, then coming home and switching effortlessly into a different mode... So I'm left feeling baffled. I like the person I have become, but a year ago, I'd have dispised her.

-Samantha

February 2012

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